confessions of a(not so) indecisive girl

I've been thinking I should call my blog "confessions of an indecisive girl" because alot of what I write about is how I can't make up my mind or about me not knowing what I want,but knowing what I don't want but I have decided to be more proactive in life,weird that everytime I hear the word "proactive" I think of acne medication but whatever.In being more proactive I decided not to go on a million dates like my dear friend Scotty says I should, instead I'm just going to be open to the possibility without trying so hard.Another thing I'm going to do is whatever I can(within reason) to get a car because as much as I'm terrified of being on the road I need to take responsibility and get a car and be an adult.I need to spend more time with my brothers,give my mom a break because being a mom is seriously the hardest job ever and I also have to scold my step-father more,he's so self-centered that he probably wont notice me giving him bad looks and being mean to him.Lately I've been feeling so unproductive,even though I have a job,school and I take care of what I can, there's still so much to do.Believe me I am not the hard working type,I happen to think I'm very lazy but I've never had a problem with that until recently.It's weird that I always feel stressed and now I want more responsibility that could possibly give me more stress.UGH maybe I'm just masochistic but I definetly don't like down time,I'm always thinking of reading or studying to fill up my time because I think I never do enough,maybe if I would turn my brain off and just enjoy free time to do nothing I'll be fine but I'm me so that's impossible.Okay now I'm rambling but to conclude I think taking on more responsibility or maybe I should just chill out,uh oh indecisiveness alert.

real life drama

Today a certain man is coming back from New York and everyone's dreading it.He models himself after the movie Scarface and Tony Montana,I mean the walk,the authority he thinks he has over people he's the spitting image.I've never met anyone more evil in my life and I'm not exaggerating one bit.There's this movie coming out the step-father in which the new step- father is pretty much a serial killer and I would prefer him over the one I have to be honest I feel bad for my twin brothers,that's their father and I'm a better father then him and my brother Anthony is the only one who stands up to him because I'm at school or work and I could go days without checking in with my family.But seriously he's evil he complains about paying bills and taking care of his children,he's a 48 year old child that no one wants to take care of.He cares more about what his friends think about him then his own family,he spends money on things he cant afford and he playes with model boats and airplanes.This is my favorite example of his immaturity,he spreads rumors about me,my brothers and my mom that are very untrue.Someone would ask why doesnt my mom just leave,but it's not that easy she has kids with him and no family here or support here but it's getting to a point where that's not an excuse anymore.Remember in Waiting To Exhale when Angela Bassett found out her husband was cheating on her and she took all his clothes and put them in his car and set in on fire,well everytime I see my this person I have that scene playing in my head and I'm sure my mom does too.Okay I used a few movie references in this blog but that's because I thought the blog should be just as dramatic as the man it was inspired by.

Errandgrl91

It's funny how getting things done makes me feel so at ease.Things like laundry,grocery shopping,exercising and finally going over all my notes for a test.I feel like I'm catching up in my life and because I had free time I was with my friends scotty and carolyn,we had a great time just talking having fun at the grocery store and then the park it was great and I have so much more fun with them when I'm not wearing my binding party clothes.Even though this weekend I will be wearing my binding party clothes to go out I'm not going to be worried about things getting up early and doing a million things because they're already done.I guess this should teach me never to procrastinate but I know I wont stop that I'm a procastinator to the core but every once and a while I have a moment of clearity and do what I'm supposed to do before it becomes a problem.Oh and I'm also happy because I watched the show Glee last night and it always cheers me up(music+drama+comedy=awesome) and for the first time in a long time I'm not so stressed and that's a good thing when you can appreciate everything in your life because nothing's clouding it.So I'm going to go and enjoy my good mood before I realize I might have alot more things to do.

boys on the side

Anytime I feel any kind of hightened emotion I watch the movie "Boys On The Side".It's mostly about a relationship between three different women who have alittle trouble and lean on each other(there's also a murder involved,you know us girls).Everytime I watch it I cry until my face gets puffy,you know the ugly cry that you want NO ONE to ever see.The movie reminds me of the importance of friendship and god knows if I didn't have my friends I'd go crazy.Boyfriends are nice but as the title of this blog entry and the movie says, maybe they should remain "on the side" and you and your friends should be the main course especially when you're not ready for something big and life changing.I'm not suggesting cutting them out of your life but to atleast check in with yourself and not worry so much about what they think of you.But that's easier said than done right?WRONG that's what your friends are there for,so in the mean time do what I do,go on terrible dates,have fun and laugh with your friends(guys and girlfriends)and never deny yourself of feeling something because that's better than being cold and distant which sounds good when you're hurting but doesn't help anything.The only way to get better at or about something is feel the fear and get over it.Now the only thing I have to the is follow my one advice.

You're puerto rican,no way!

In honor of hispanic heritage month I thought I'd write alittle something about what being hispanic means to me and my family,which are very different things.In my family there's a critera to being hispanic,first you need to SPEAK spanish,second you need to love regatone and hip hop,and last but not least you have to wear very very tight clothes and if you dont follow the criteria you're "white".I don't speak spanish on a daily basis,I'm not a big fan of regatone and I dont wear very tight clothing(I like to think of it as form fitting).Does this make me less hispanic,I don't think so,I'm very proud of being American,Puerto Rican and a native New Yorker.I think what makes me hispanic is my love for my country and family and my need to tell everyone who askes if I'm hispanic "YO SOY BORICUA,if you didn't know." You are whoever you say you are.

my list of things that make me happy,not in order

1. Reading a really great book I've never read
2. Watching my favorite shows and seeing movies.
3. Turning on my laptop and seeing that I have mail.
4. Cookies and cream ice cream.
5. Talking to friends about everything or nothing.
6. When I have the house to myself.(It's quiet that way)
7. When I or my friends/family get good news.
8. First time crush.
9. Turning up my air conditioner and getting under the covers so I can pretend I'm still in New York.
10. Listening to a song that describes the exact mood I'm feeling.

That's all I can think of right now and I was compiling this list I realized I need more "happy".I keep on thinking I need something to set myself apart from other people and that's not hard here because everyone shows off their body and all the guys are alittle too obsessed with themselves but that has more to do with the people I meet and their not all from Florida.But I think I need to conform to make it on the mean streets of Orlando,too bad I'm not going to.So there it my ridiculously boring list of things that make me happy.I wonder which one of these make you happy if any.

best of (boy)friends?

Why is it that relationships usually end on bad terms?I used to consider my ex one of my best friends.I'm not delusional I know we can't still be that close,but to at least be courteous would be nice.A week after we broke up he knew I was going to be at a party so he brought a date,this blond,blue-eyed babe.I didn't stay at the party I left almost immediately because I don't think a full week was enough to get over three years of a relationship and seeing him with the future playboy playmate all night would've killed me.I keep on thinking what happened to him,was he this catty when we were together?How did we go from being very much together to practically strangers.There's no forgetting all the nasty things he said about a minute before I broke up with him, and I didn't forget his refusal to apologize.I thought if anyone would be getting revenge it would be me,but that wouldn't feel right.Then every one's saying "good for you Jasmin taking the high road" but why do I get credit for doing what I think is right?The getting over someone process has nothing to do with him.God relationships suck,no they do,I wonder if they get easier when we get older,probably not that's why almost every adult I know is divorced(no offense).It's almost enough to make me give up,but then I remember the butterflies in my stomach and the excitement of having a new crush and then I get it, if only there was a way we could know for sure that under the butterflies and excitement there was something real.

kids kids kids everyone wants one,right!

I've always said I want to have kids but my mom had twins when she was 38 and they are almost 5 now.I feel like another mom instead of a big sister,they whine and complain and they always want things their way,according to my mother my brother Anthony who's 16,and I weren't like that when we were their age.That makes me think why are they SO difficult,maybe because they're boys or because they might have ADD and what is it with this ADD thing are more people have than before or is it just recognized better.I say I want kids but as soon as my twin brothers act up I want to get as far away from them as possible.It scares me to think what if my kids are worse,I don't think I could handle it but I honestly think it's something that can be managed if you set clear boundaries with your children,at least I hope so.They say god only gives you what you can handle but did they mean twin boys who rival Damian in the Omen.I want kids only under the condition that I'm stable financially,mentally,physically and I have a reliable partner who can be there always with me, like a team.Maybe I'll get lucky find the man of my dreams ,fall in love and have a magically painless childbirth and we live happily ever after,OH sorry I have to go one of the twins stuffed cereal down the sink.

to date or not to date,that is the question

Getting back in the dating game is hard.I got out of a 3 yr. relationship recently and my friends expect me to jump back in head first,but the thing is that I miss the familiarity of a relationship,I miss that we knew each other completely,our hopes and goals and fears.I feel like when dating you have to play games and be cool, but I'm not cool nor do I like playing games that involve the guy waiting a week to call or me pretending that I care how much horsepower his car has.Why can't I have a smart conversation with someone just for the sake of talking and if something romantic happens that will just be because we're comfortable enough to act on that.I don't think I can just go hunting for a guy or be hunted by a guy at a club,bar,supermarket,etc.I seem to be surrounded by guys looking to " hook up" and I'm not the "hook up" girl, I like getting to know someone and being able to trust,but maybe that's my problem maybe I should be more outgoing and open to "hook up" guys...maybe not.

to infinity and BEYOND!

I'm so tired of thinking about the future,I remember being in the sixth grade and my teacher saying you HAVE to do well this and next school year because high schools look at those grades when they except you(so apparently eighth grade means nothing).All that pretty much means if you're not perfect in sixth and seventh grade your future is ruined,you wont get into a good high school and of course if you're not in a good high school you wont get into a good college,or at least that's the impression i got from that when i was 11.What kind of message does that send? are they trying to scare you into doing well or simply just saying the truth, fast forward a few years and I'm seventeen quickly approaching adulthood and very scared of mediocrity, I say I want to be a writer, but will I make it? am i even good enough? the quick answer is I don't know, all I know is that the future is something I'm dreading, but It's not supposed to be like that,you know "the world is your oyster " and all that crap, but honestly sometimes I feel like the oyster being swallowed up by the world (wow I can't believe I wrote that oyster thing pretentious,huh lol).