ok I'm actually going to keep my new years resolution,really I am!

I made a resolution to be more positive,but the truth is that I think I'm positive.My problem is that if something doesn't go my way,I think "of course this is happening,I shouldn't be suprised nothing good ever happens to me."That's what I want to change that I pray for the best and think of the worst.I'm not sure if that's being negative though.I asked alot of my friends their resolutions past and present.I got answers like losing weight,quit smoking,your typical dropping bad habits resolution.What I want to try is the enhance the good things about everything.It's harder than it looks,I'm getting annoyed with myself trying to constantly see things in a positive light.I'm starting to think I should except my fate as a cynic who always assumes the worst about everything.The problem is that I don't want to be like that,waiting for something bad to happen and then feeling justified when it does.My friend and supporter Scotty made me write a list of twenty things I liked about myself and even he was suprised that I could think up 20 things since I usually complain,especially to him about things I don't like about myself.So for 2010 my new years resolution is be positive,I'm not going to be naive and think that everything is always fine but I'm going to hope for the best and mean it.It's already working for me,whenever I think something is impossible I just reevaluate the situation and it works.I'm tempted to ask a question like "so what's your new years resolution?" but that would imply that I would get more that one response,even one is hoping for too much,you see that negativity just creeped up on me.I'm going to leave that question just in case.

christmas:then and now

Last christmas was a hell of alot different than this year.I had a boyfriend,alot more friends and tons of parties to go to,I wasn't even thinking about getting a job.This year I'm single,I have less friends and not one party in sight and I'm a slight workaholic when it comes to school and my job,but I feel alot better,healthier(whatever you want to call it )this year.I actually just spent time with my family and it was great.There was no arguing or any of the typical things that can go wrong that make me feel that I have to get out.I saw my little twin brothers open there presents and love them.I gave my other brother and rest of my family their gifts.This christmas was more lonely this year but I liked it,it was just simple.I'm never going to like that I don't even need a jacket during winter in Florida but I've gotten over it despite how much I complain that Florida christmas is just no competition for New York christmas.It's weird that I don't notice that my life has changed,however big or small the change is until these markers like the holidays or birthdays come up.I guess my life and who I am is changing is a good thing because it's better than nothing ever happening.I think another reason I don't notice things changing is because I don't want to notice,I think if I felt every tiny change I'd go crazy or I'd be scared,I'm not the biggest fan of change.I'm going to end with a MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

queen b's

In high school or atleast how they represent it on shows and movies,they're various groups of kids who fit in together and then a small group of popular kids.My high school experience was alittle different,popular girls or mean girls definetly exist but they weren't cheerleaders or prom queens,they were just slightly manipulative girls that say words like "hun"and"sweety" which they use to lesser the girls around them and they would always wear better clothes,tons of make up and all the guys liked them.I'm not quite sure what group I was in,I wasn't popular but people did know me and I'm sorry to say dispite my best efforts I'm not manipulative.I always wondered what separated the popular from the unpopular,there's always the obvious that they are attention seekers but or that because they're pretty people naturally want to be around them,but I feel like there's more.Most kids feel awkward in high school at some point but for some reason the popular girls always overcame that.They could make their friend feel like crap and the friend just comes back for more because it's better to be apart of the crowd then to be on the outside looking in.Maybe they have advanced social skills they make them strive in a curture(high school) where people need a class system.I was always in a little group of misfits who never fit in a particular crowd but I'd be lying if I said I never wondered what it would be like to be "popular".It's funny how you get older and things like that fade,people you'd think would never be your friend turn into your best friends.The whole notion of queen b's go away for most and for some high school will be the high point in life.I'm scared of mean girls anymore,I'm not as scared of being judged because they pretty much beat the fear out of me in high school.I think high school,school in general prepares us for life in so many ways and because I'm constantly observing I've learned alot.There will always be the kings and queens of high school,the people who follow them and the people who follow no one.What I learned is that you have to brave enough to be you,which is almost impossible in high school,but there's always college,there's always life after freaks,nerds,jocks and mean girls,there's always life after high school.

it's better to give

With christmas near I wanted to talk about giving and receiving gifts during the holidays.I am notoriously hard to shop for,I never know what I want and when I do it's considered too practical.I also loath the idea of buying gifts,like most people I always want to think of something unique and special to give the person.Thinking of something special and unique year after year isn't at all easy.It puts alot of stress on people,myself very much included.When I was younger my mom would buy a bunch of cards and had me give them out to everyone of my friends and family,I would write a special note for each of them.I'm realizing at only 18 that life as a kid when it comes to giving gifts this season is so much easier,actually life in general is easier.I do love the look on peoples face when they like a gift,I bought buy my brother an early gift and he was truly happy,it was great and satisfying to see.In my case giving gifts is better than getting because I am also known for having a terrible "happy/suprised/enthused" face about anything but that's just because I am weird or something.I love the holidays because of the idea of family and tradition that it promotes and giving gifts is apart of that tradition.So instead of being worried about it I'm going to enjoy christmas and the time I get with my family.                                                                                                                                                                  

celeb obsessed

I had a post before called celeb obsessed about how celebrity is a distraction from real issues and problems.I took it down because it felt flat and lacking but after this past week I rather have a flat post then no post on this subject.For about 2 weeks everyone has been talking about Tiger Woods car accident and having about 8 separate affairs.December 1,the President announced that the war will be going on through 2011 and he said this war is nothing like Vietnam(yeah sure),but which story is front and center?,yup you guessed it Tiger woods and his alleged mistresses.There's also a story about a couple who may or may not have crashed a white house party and how they may or may not have wanted a reality show.This just proves that people would do anything to be famous,crash a white house,give out voice messages of your alleged lovers plea for you to change your answering machine so his wife wont know.No one cares about issues anymore,they just want the latest dirt on their favorite celebrity or about scandalous affairs.I can't even believe that Tiger woods alleged indiscetions bumped the "white house crashers" as a lead story on almost news organization,t.v.,radio,newspaper,etc.I'm 18 so I personally know people who don't watch the news or have much interest in it but no everything about "Brangelina" and when Justin Timberlakes birthday is and who Lindsay's with week.When people talk about they saw it's young peoples fault for not being interested in thing not celebrity related and I agree to some extent but that's because they're not in any immediate danger.There's a war but no draft,not that I'm favor of that and protesting now like they did in the 60's and 70's is almost impossible when cops are ready to arrest you at anytime.The people who really care or atleast imformed are the people who report it,directly affected,and a few people who actually don't care if Britney wears underwear or not.Everything is so sensationalized,octomom,Jon and Kate plus 8 and the truth is that we all created an atmosphere of being involved in peoples lives who we don't know.Even me by naming those celebrities,some who have jobs and some whos job is to be a celebrity.My point is when did we get to the point where no knowing about your country and who runs it became not only okay but normal.I was watching Jay Leno(I know) and he was showing random people famous pictures of presidents,painters,inventors and celebrites,a good percent of them(and that's being nice)got the celebrity right and the painter,inventor,etc wrong.I laughed at the time and that thought "damn, that's sad."  

PS.if a certain person is going to leave a comment,make sure it actually posts because it definetly didn't last time(just saying)

what is "sexting"?

Sexting is when you send a sexually explicit photo,video or text message.Alot of teens around my age do it,I haven't really heard of it until recently I didn't think anything of it.I know that alot of teens and young adults aren't mature by nature and don't think of consequences constantly but I've been thinking does that mean that they'll be another Dr.Phil episode(if there wasn't already) about what parents need to do to stop this..Maybe parents should monitor that,but for me the bigger question is why on earth would someone ever send something sexually suggestive over the phone? I deffinetly wouldn't,there are so many ways that it could become public,a guy/girl shows it to all of his/her friends,parents could find it,I mean come on it's really not worth the risk.Besides the embarrassment factor of everyone seeing a "sext" there are legal issues with sending them,in Florida, Indiana, Ohio and Pennsylvania teens have faced charges your naked pictures.I know that being young there is this certain sense of being invincible,like nothing can touch us.They don't think "what if this ends up online and my boss sees it?".But even worse than that it can lead to death,two girls hanged themselves after being taunted by thes "sexts" becoming public.Obviously "sextining" is the new thing that has caught the attention of people in my age group and isn't going away anytime soon unfortunetly,but I really hope because it has gotten out of hand it'll make people think twice about sending a message of any kind that they don't want getting out.

one girl revolution

      In John Lennon's song "Imagine" he sings about a world I dream of no violence,no suffering.I understand that when people struggle it makes them more appreciative but sometimes it's too much.Just think about little girls in Cambodia being put into sex slavery,poverty in Africa and diseases that spread.It is too much to handle,I tried to imagine as much as I can,to put myself in their shoes but I can't.I can blog about how I'm not feeling that great about my life and how I love winter and can't really enjoy it,but in comparison to those problems,real problems mine don't only seem trivial they seem silly.Most people watch the news or a talk show and see news pieces on the suffering countries,myself included,they say "that's terrible" and then go about their lives but I'm getting tired of it.I'm getting to the point where I want to go to those countries and physically help every single person that needs food,shelter,medicine,clothing and education.It's unfathomable to me that as I'm writing this blog there are starving children that don't even have electricity,some don't even have a floor and sleep on dirt.It's not right that things that I consider necessities are very much luxuries to them.The reason why I'm so,what's the word,I guess angry is because I did put in terms that made me better empathize with then,that was thinking of my little brothers being in the position,thinking of what if I had a daughter and some one just came into my unprotected living area and took her and sold her into a sex trade,I would fight with every inch of my life to get her back.When I thought of it like that I was overcome with this strong feeling of hopelessness,then anger,then wanting to act.I don't believe in only looking out for yourself I truly believe in everyone helping eachother as much as we can,but there's only so much I can do and also to day is world aids day,another reason why I;m writing this blog,that epidemic is something that affects people in America aswell as the rest of the world,god all these problems I wish I could single handedly fix.I wish it was that easy the one girl could change the world,maybe she can one day soon.

walking in a winter wonderland

            I'm so glad it's winter even though I can't enjoy it as much in Florida because it doesn't get very wintery around these parts.To me summer can never compare to winter especially winter in a place like New York where the leaves change and fall,wearing cute sweaters and boots.Also I love the holidays,the holidays when you're a kid is special.I never realized that buying gifts and decorating the house with christmas lights was such a headache until my parents got tired of hiding there frustration.Having snow fights with my brother and friends,drinking hot cocoa are all tied with great childhood memories.Im not totally oblivious to the fact that winter kicked my ass,it's cold that my face would get red and my lips would get white(I know,not a good image),my hands would get frozen.Summer is fun,you got the beach,barbecues,no school,I recognize the pluses that summer brings,but the isn't called "walking in a summer wonderland" for a reason and the reason is because winter to me holds this special place in my heart for being the first time I was kissed, halloween is close to winter which is my favorite holiday not for dressing like a slut but I've been accused of that.I love covering up and watching a movie or reading a book,when it's cold.I just feel a certain energy when it's winter,there's not many changes in weather in Florida so I'm missing out on my beloved winter and fall and to all 1 of you reading my blog(maybe saying 1 is too many),experiencing the winter and fall season enjoy it and don't worry,summer will resume soon but winter is here and it can be magical if you want it to.

who's gender is it anyway?

             Male and female gender roles are pretty clear.Women are feminine and men are masculine.It seems with men there's this double standard that they can't be feminine and be strong.Everytime a man has something or does something that is considered feminine they "manify" it.For example if a guy has a purse they call it a man purse,if a man discloses he has or had anorexia they call it "manorexia",what the hell is that? Even if men do things like get highlights or they go to spas people call them metrosexual.Women can be masculan and tough and it's considered sexy.I think it's because people don't take female sexuality seriously,a woman can be a lesbian and people think if the right man came along she'll change,but if you're a man and gay you're gay and that's it.Why isn't okay for a man to be sensitive?We all start off as women in the womb and some change to male or they become something in between,so if they start off female isn't being atleast alittle feminine okay?Besides nature we always get the notion of clearly defined gender roles from what we see on T.V.Women are sex objects and men objectify them,this is a general statement because I know not every show,movie,song is like that.Male sexuality seems to be more threatening than female because a man is supposed to be unfeeling and if you're gay on a show that's not on cable you don't have a sexuality you're just apart of a morality plotline.I just feel that people should beable to be and feel how they want,if you want to be tough be tough,if you want to show your feelings do so but for men there is this need to be man you don't want to be a women,they weak and soft,which is not true but the preception for some.I;m glad I'm a women who gets to be strong and soft,sweet and tough without worrying if someone is questioning my feminity.

my generation

          When books,plays,comic books have been are turned into movies and it's usually hit or miss.Recently everything is being remade,like the movie Fame,The Taking of Pelhem 123,3:10 To Yuma.This decade has been filled with copies of the original sometimes for the better.I'm completely jealous of the 60's,70's,80's and 90's.There was originality and now everything is recycled.I would love to be apart of a decade that had  young band like the beatles,and new movies like the godfather and to see some exciting new artists.My brother says it's because all the good ideas have been thought of before and there's nothing left,no good stories to tell and maybe he's right, but when you redo everything and it turns out bad it degrades the original.Originality should be celebrated because it's very rare these days but when people find a formula they think works they stick with it untill they bleed it dry. Recently there have been a few good comic book movies,now every few months we get a bunch of ok comic book movies.Ever since vampires have become popular again there's 2 t.v. shows and a movie franchise.My friend read in an article that shoulder pads were back and now on every talk show I see the latest it-girl is wearing shoulder pads,like it's the 80's again and I see girls wearing leg wermers,seriously leg warmers.It's not terrible to bring back old styles to incorporate them but that's not happening.I would like to think that when I'm looking back this decade I'll see some individuality that I missed.But honestly I'd be suprised,will Miley Cyrus be a legend when I have kids,will the closest thing my generation has to the greatness be the Jonas Brothers.Time will tell but as the 2000's come to an end and the 2010's begin all I see is more overproduction of the same thing.

a weighty issue

         For the past few years I think everyone has noticed that T.V. shows,magazines,and everyother form of media I can think of simultaneously promotes and condemns being skinny.I know this isn't new territory but I thought I'd talk about it.In a perfect world all body types would be represented and loved.It seems that it's either one extreme or another,the super skinny girl and very large girl nothing in between,and then those dove commercials talking about "real beauty" showing every body type but the skinny one.It's really like they can't celebrate one without tearing down the other.I think it's good for women to want to strive to be healthy,but it's when vanity and the need to feel perfect kicks in that's when it's becomes a problem.It's the reason why women and men get plastic surgery,go on extreme diets and make themselves throw up.

       Don't get my wrong I'm just as susceptible to those "perfect body" images as the next girl.I think I'm always going to to have moments where I don't feel great about my body or feeI inadequate but I do like myself and I can see those shows and magazines and know that those actresses and models hold themselves at a standard that I and most other women can't and we shouldn't want to.I do wish I had a perfect body but not at the expense of my precious food.I could never go on a low this,high that diet or get plastic surgery,first of all surgery terrifies me and second I'm not saying that it's bad,I just mean when people go overboard with it,it's a huge risk for perfection..All we can do is be as healthy as we can or want and what ever body we have when we'e done is the one we love,of course this would also be in a perfect world where people are actually happy with themselves.
        I  know they will always be so-called perfect girls and they will always be people who reject it but I think all bodies should be celebrated and being healthy is what should be promoted but it starts with real people not with celebrities.It's on us to make the most of what we have and be thankful that we all look different.Feeling good about yourself as you are is the best thing anyone can do and then if you still need a change then change but know it should make you feel better in all aspects of your life.

discovery:jasmin edition

I was thinking about how much I admire atleast one thing from each of them.Scotty's ability to get back on his feet after a crisis is amazing.Nicole has a way with flirting with the whole room and it's just charming.Carolyn who's like a southern belle,so oddly graceful,she wears whatever she wants and doesn't stress about it.My best friend Heather has recently become a social butterfly and is getting to go away for college and I wish I could too.Veronica is the most confident person I know.Brittany and Marie have the best relationship I have ever seen and Nicole's sometimes boyfriend Nate is always caring and sweet.I wonder what I have in me to be admired,I want to take a piece of what I admire of my friends and own it.Is it the curse of a girl that she's constantly questioning her own worth or is it just me?I know I'm awkward in large groups of people and I guess I'm shy but I feel like there's whole other person that few people see because I'm....I don't know,maybe scared to be judged are the right words but I'm not sure why.I know I can be funny and I'm smart,I can carry a conversation pretty well.Sometimes I put myself out there and it's not enough.I'm not the girl that keeps guys up wondering about her and I'm not the girl people hated in school because she was perfect and you weren't.I can't walk into a room and command attention and that is the girl I thought I would be by now but I have seem to make a left turn at "girl you can talk to and forget in 5 seconds" town and I know how annoying it is to complain about things like this but this is a blog so I get to vent,ok.So anyway where was I,oh yeah,I used to get lines from boys I liked,"you're such a good listener" and "you're a good friend" and then they would get up and talk to the girl they really liked.If I was Veronica I would show up looking gorgeous and not care who was looking at me.If I were like Carolyn I would get people engaged by my southern charm but instead I give them New York cynicism. I don't think it's a bad thing to want to be remembered or leave your mark in some small way,what I really want is to not need validation from other people and be complete on my own.A good way to do that is to not covet and focus the good things about me that I can appreciate.

happy birthday to me,whether you like it or not

So I'm turning 18 on Thursday and my mom is on the verge of tears.She told me she remembers telling my grandmother when I was 2 that she wished I'd stay that way forever.I understand her sadness,in a way her children getting older is a way of time passing for her.18 is a stepping stone in a young adults life,but it's also a stepping stone for her.My mother realizing that her oldest,her only girl is getting older and so is she.My mom used to dress me up when I was younger like I was a doll and I used to hate it,but if I'm honest I miss it.My mom had a tough childhood and her mom didn't treat her like she was her doll or anything like that and when she used to dress me up she seemed happy,like she had purpose,which used to confuse me but now I just figure she trying to make me happy too.Don't missunderstand,this isn't a poor mom blog entry and my grandmother wasn't a monster she just had alot of children to take care of and no help and she wasn't shown much love as a child either,my point is to say that because my mom didn't have my childhood(which was hard for me but would of been a walk in the park for my mother)she lived through me as a child giving me everything she thinks a young girl would want and now that I'm turning the dreaded 18 she feels like her childhood is over too.My mom has three boys that she loves so much,she'd literally die for them but with every passing year they get older too and that's just another reminder for a mother like mine who lives for us.I'm going to celebrate 18 because it's another year I get to be my mothers daughter,my fathers daughter and my brothers big sister.What I learned this year is to count my blessings,I have great people in my life and I'll celebrate them while they're celebrating me on my birthday.

confessions of a(not so) indecisive girl

I've been thinking I should call my blog "confessions of an indecisive girl" because alot of what I write about is how I can't make up my mind or about me not knowing what I want,but knowing what I don't want but I have decided to be more proactive in life,weird that everytime I hear the word "proactive" I think of acne medication but whatever.In being more proactive I decided not to go on a million dates like my dear friend Scotty says I should, instead I'm just going to be open to the possibility without trying so hard.Another thing I'm going to do is whatever I can(within reason) to get a car because as much as I'm terrified of being on the road I need to take responsibility and get a car and be an adult.I need to spend more time with my brothers,give my mom a break because being a mom is seriously the hardest job ever and I also have to scold my step-father more,he's so self-centered that he probably wont notice me giving him bad looks and being mean to him.Lately I've been feeling so unproductive,even though I have a job,school and I take care of what I can, there's still so much to do.Believe me I am not the hard working type,I happen to think I'm very lazy but I've never had a problem with that until recently.It's weird that I always feel stressed and now I want more responsibility that could possibly give me more stress.UGH maybe I'm just masochistic but I definetly don't like down time,I'm always thinking of reading or studying to fill up my time because I think I never do enough,maybe if I would turn my brain off and just enjoy free time to do nothing I'll be fine but I'm me so that's impossible.Okay now I'm rambling but to conclude I think taking on more responsibility or maybe I should just chill out,uh oh indecisiveness alert.

real life drama

Today a certain man is coming back from New York and everyone's dreading it.He models himself after the movie Scarface and Tony Montana,I mean the walk,the authority he thinks he has over people he's the spitting image.I've never met anyone more evil in my life and I'm not exaggerating one bit.There's this movie coming out the step-father in which the new step- father is pretty much a serial killer and I would prefer him over the one I have to be honest I feel bad for my twin brothers,that's their father and I'm a better father then him and my brother Anthony is the only one who stands up to him because I'm at school or work and I could go days without checking in with my family.But seriously he's evil he complains about paying bills and taking care of his children,he's a 48 year old child that no one wants to take care of.He cares more about what his friends think about him then his own family,he spends money on things he cant afford and he playes with model boats and airplanes.This is my favorite example of his immaturity,he spreads rumors about me,my brothers and my mom that are very untrue.Someone would ask why doesnt my mom just leave,but it's not that easy she has kids with him and no family here or support here but it's getting to a point where that's not an excuse anymore.Remember in Waiting To Exhale when Angela Bassett found out her husband was cheating on her and she took all his clothes and put them in his car and set in on fire,well everytime I see my this person I have that scene playing in my head and I'm sure my mom does too.Okay I used a few movie references in this blog but that's because I thought the blog should be just as dramatic as the man it was inspired by.

Errandgrl91

It's funny how getting things done makes me feel so at ease.Things like laundry,grocery shopping,exercising and finally going over all my notes for a test.I feel like I'm catching up in my life and because I had free time I was with my friends scotty and carolyn,we had a great time just talking having fun at the grocery store and then the park it was great and I have so much more fun with them when I'm not wearing my binding party clothes.Even though this weekend I will be wearing my binding party clothes to go out I'm not going to be worried about things getting up early and doing a million things because they're already done.I guess this should teach me never to procrastinate but I know I wont stop that I'm a procastinator to the core but every once and a while I have a moment of clearity and do what I'm supposed to do before it becomes a problem.Oh and I'm also happy because I watched the show Glee last night and it always cheers me up(music+drama+comedy=awesome) and for the first time in a long time I'm not so stressed and that's a good thing when you can appreciate everything in your life because nothing's clouding it.So I'm going to go and enjoy my good mood before I realize I might have alot more things to do.

boys on the side

Anytime I feel any kind of hightened emotion I watch the movie "Boys On The Side".It's mostly about a relationship between three different women who have alittle trouble and lean on each other(there's also a murder involved,you know us girls).Everytime I watch it I cry until my face gets puffy,you know the ugly cry that you want NO ONE to ever see.The movie reminds me of the importance of friendship and god knows if I didn't have my friends I'd go crazy.Boyfriends are nice but as the title of this blog entry and the movie says, maybe they should remain "on the side" and you and your friends should be the main course especially when you're not ready for something big and life changing.I'm not suggesting cutting them out of your life but to atleast check in with yourself and not worry so much about what they think of you.But that's easier said than done right?WRONG that's what your friends are there for,so in the mean time do what I do,go on terrible dates,have fun and laugh with your friends(guys and girlfriends)and never deny yourself of feeling something because that's better than being cold and distant which sounds good when you're hurting but doesn't help anything.The only way to get better at or about something is feel the fear and get over it.Now the only thing I have to the is follow my one advice.

You're puerto rican,no way!

In honor of hispanic heritage month I thought I'd write alittle something about what being hispanic means to me and my family,which are very different things.In my family there's a critera to being hispanic,first you need to SPEAK spanish,second you need to love regatone and hip hop,and last but not least you have to wear very very tight clothes and if you dont follow the criteria you're "white".I don't speak spanish on a daily basis,I'm not a big fan of regatone and I dont wear very tight clothing(I like to think of it as form fitting).Does this make me less hispanic,I don't think so,I'm very proud of being American,Puerto Rican and a native New Yorker.I think what makes me hispanic is my love for my country and family and my need to tell everyone who askes if I'm hispanic "YO SOY BORICUA,if you didn't know." You are whoever you say you are.

my list of things that make me happy,not in order

1. Reading a really great book I've never read
2. Watching my favorite shows and seeing movies.
3. Turning on my laptop and seeing that I have mail.
4. Cookies and cream ice cream.
5. Talking to friends about everything or nothing.
6. When I have the house to myself.(It's quiet that way)
7. When I or my friends/family get good news.
8. First time crush.
9. Turning up my air conditioner and getting under the covers so I can pretend I'm still in New York.
10. Listening to a song that describes the exact mood I'm feeling.

That's all I can think of right now and I was compiling this list I realized I need more "happy".I keep on thinking I need something to set myself apart from other people and that's not hard here because everyone shows off their body and all the guys are alittle too obsessed with themselves but that has more to do with the people I meet and their not all from Florida.But I think I need to conform to make it on the mean streets of Orlando,too bad I'm not going to.So there it my ridiculously boring list of things that make me happy.I wonder which one of these make you happy if any.

best of (boy)friends?

Why is it that relationships usually end on bad terms?I used to consider my ex one of my best friends.I'm not delusional I know we can't still be that close,but to at least be courteous would be nice.A week after we broke up he knew I was going to be at a party so he brought a date,this blond,blue-eyed babe.I didn't stay at the party I left almost immediately because I don't think a full week was enough to get over three years of a relationship and seeing him with the future playboy playmate all night would've killed me.I keep on thinking what happened to him,was he this catty when we were together?How did we go from being very much together to practically strangers.There's no forgetting all the nasty things he said about a minute before I broke up with him, and I didn't forget his refusal to apologize.I thought if anyone would be getting revenge it would be me,but that wouldn't feel right.Then every one's saying "good for you Jasmin taking the high road" but why do I get credit for doing what I think is right?The getting over someone process has nothing to do with him.God relationships suck,no they do,I wonder if they get easier when we get older,probably not that's why almost every adult I know is divorced(no offense).It's almost enough to make me give up,but then I remember the butterflies in my stomach and the excitement of having a new crush and then I get it, if only there was a way we could know for sure that under the butterflies and excitement there was something real.

kids kids kids everyone wants one,right!

I've always said I want to have kids but my mom had twins when she was 38 and they are almost 5 now.I feel like another mom instead of a big sister,they whine and complain and they always want things their way,according to my mother my brother Anthony who's 16,and I weren't like that when we were their age.That makes me think why are they SO difficult,maybe because they're boys or because they might have ADD and what is it with this ADD thing are more people have than before or is it just recognized better.I say I want kids but as soon as my twin brothers act up I want to get as far away from them as possible.It scares me to think what if my kids are worse,I don't think I could handle it but I honestly think it's something that can be managed if you set clear boundaries with your children,at least I hope so.They say god only gives you what you can handle but did they mean twin boys who rival Damian in the Omen.I want kids only under the condition that I'm stable financially,mentally,physically and I have a reliable partner who can be there always with me, like a team.Maybe I'll get lucky find the man of my dreams ,fall in love and have a magically painless childbirth and we live happily ever after,OH sorry I have to go one of the twins stuffed cereal down the sink.

to date or not to date,that is the question

Getting back in the dating game is hard.I got out of a 3 yr. relationship recently and my friends expect me to jump back in head first,but the thing is that I miss the familiarity of a relationship,I miss that we knew each other completely,our hopes and goals and fears.I feel like when dating you have to play games and be cool, but I'm not cool nor do I like playing games that involve the guy waiting a week to call or me pretending that I care how much horsepower his car has.Why can't I have a smart conversation with someone just for the sake of talking and if something romantic happens that will just be because we're comfortable enough to act on that.I don't think I can just go hunting for a guy or be hunted by a guy at a club,bar,supermarket,etc.I seem to be surrounded by guys looking to " hook up" and I'm not the "hook up" girl, I like getting to know someone and being able to trust,but maybe that's my problem maybe I should be more outgoing and open to "hook up" guys...maybe not.

to infinity and BEYOND!

I'm so tired of thinking about the future,I remember being in the sixth grade and my teacher saying you HAVE to do well this and next school year because high schools look at those grades when they except you(so apparently eighth grade means nothing).All that pretty much means if you're not perfect in sixth and seventh grade your future is ruined,you wont get into a good high school and of course if you're not in a good high school you wont get into a good college,or at least that's the impression i got from that when i was 11.What kind of message does that send? are they trying to scare you into doing well or simply just saying the truth, fast forward a few years and I'm seventeen quickly approaching adulthood and very scared of mediocrity, I say I want to be a writer, but will I make it? am i even good enough? the quick answer is I don't know, all I know is that the future is something I'm dreading, but It's not supposed to be like that,you know "the world is your oyster " and all that crap, but honestly sometimes I feel like the oyster being swallowed up by the world (wow I can't believe I wrote that oyster thing pretentious,huh lol).